Agony Over Consequences

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Okay – this looks bad, I admit it. But let’s back up. I want you to know about the incident with

Abel from my perspective.

My name is Cain. I was the first son of Adam and Eve. But not just the first son of Adam and

Eve, I was the first offspring of the first created couple. Can you even imagine the joy and

wonder that I brought to them? And not just them. God was overjoyed. His love for all of us

radiated throughout creation. My birth was the miracle of the Miracles known as Adam and Eve.

Every action, whether involuntary or learned, was celebrated. My whole life was one of being

celebrated, until Abel arrived.

Suddenly, I was not so special. I was still loved but now Abel was getting the attention and that kid could do no wrong! I was confident and quick. Abel was studious and deliberate. I was inquisitive and exuberant. Abel poured his whole attention into every little thing.

Don’t get me wrong. Abel and I were as tight as the fleece on sheep. We ran and played among the flocks. We played hide and seek in the wheat fields. There was no tree that we didn’t climb or sleep under. But…

Abel was always a little more considerate, a little more interested in other people. And it got him the loving conversations that I longed to be a part of.

So, my hurt became anger and that anger smoldered. Most days I could control it – I threw

rocks at trees, I shoved an animal out of the way a little more roughly than intended, I snapped

back when mother Eve asked for help. But Abel was always right there, being his inconveniently nice self.

The day of the sacrifice it all came to a head. It was one of those days. You know the one I’m

talking about? Not a single thing went right. The cattle had wandered into my fields and

trampled a good portion. A rat had found a way into one of the storage jars. The handle on my scythe had to be replaced. It was one thing after another. So when it came time to gather the sacrifice, I had little time and patience.

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I know! I was a grown man. All I had to do was to take a deep breath, have a little talk with God (He was always available.) and think about what I was doing and why. But I didn’t. I grabbed what I thought would be good enough, the best of what was left, and headed out.

God called me out. GOD! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?? God who was

the center of our lives. God the Creator called me out and said my sacrifice wasn’t acceptable!

He had watched me the whole day and called me out! The look of embarrassment on the faces of Adam and Eve and Abel when they witnessed my shame was unbearable.

This just wasn’t fair. And then He lectures me on being upset! Nope! That was a line too far. I

strode off, shutting down completely.

Abel, being Abel, followed me, trying to make it right. Of course, he took God’s side. He was the “good” brother. Right there, in that moment, I didn’t need to hear it. I didn’t want his reasonable attitude trying to explain the situation. Just once I wanted him to listen to me, agree with me! But no! Abel kept talking. Couldn’t he see the shame and guilt I was carrying?

And at that moment, my smoldering anger flared. I grabbed a rock and slammed it into his head to get him to be quiet. And he was. He was so quiet it was scary. I looked closely and saw that the very life had left him. I was horrified but also thought, “This is just like Abel. Always finding a way to make me look bad!” I tried to make it better by making it look like Abel was alone and fell and hit his head. And then God showed up.

“Where is your brother Abel?” He asked.

What could I say? I can’t admit that I killed him. So, I deflected.

“I don’t know. Am I my brother’s keeper?”

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Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Of course, He knew! What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I had been

embarrassed, shamed and lectured all afternoon. I just wanted this conversation and day to end, so…I acted like I had no idea. And that pushed God over the edge I had been standing on. If my anger was too big to handle, you should have seen the anger radiating from God. The sheer force of it knocked me off my feet. He was towering above me, thundering every word and every word was a curse upon my life.

“Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

And at that moment, faced with His Righteous Anger, I was suddenly afraid. Every nerve in my

body was vibrating, my breath felt like a heavy stone, my stomach was heaving and my skin

was sweating. My mind reviewed every sweet conversation we had ever had. My heart chilled with the knowledge that I would never again experience His Love. Never again would I feel the pride when He complimented me. Never again would I feel His Protection.

The agony of that moment of separation can’t be adequately described.

NO! My punishment was more than I could bear!

My only thought was of the pain that I was facing.

Looking back, I probably should have been apologizing and begging for forgiveness. But my

pain was agony in my heart! So, I only thought about myself. Not how I had taken a life from the lives of others. Not how I had robbed my parents of the love of a son. Not how I had wounded the heart of the Lord. None of those things mattered, until later.

Much later, I thought about my parents losing two sons, for I was in essence lost to them as

well. I longed for the warmth of family as my wife and I roamed the land. I yearned for the joy

that my parents would have taken in our children. I felt the loss of my father’s guidance and my

mother’s confidence.

But most of all, I grieved the relationship, the unconditional love of the Lord. Once I had been

His treasure and delight. Once we had talked and been close. From the perspective of time, I

can see how I had disappointed Him. And the hollow in my heart aches for the love that once

filled it. I can see that I was the one who walked away, not God.

If only there were one word of apology. Or one word of sincere regret for my actions. One word of asking for forgiveness for the pain I had caused. But there wasn’t. My heart was so hardened that I could only see how awful my life would now be. I didn’t care about how my actions had wounded Adam and Eve. I gave no thought that I would be separated from them. I gave fleeting acknowledgement that I would no longer be in the presence of the Lord for the sake of worshipping Him. When I cried out against the curse I was thinking only about me and my life.

It isn’t too late for us to change course. God is still listening. Start the conversation. It

might change your life.

Genesis 4:13-14: 13 Cain said to the LORD, “My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”

Glenda Keiper

author

Guest contributor